To my faithful twelve readers who may have wondered why I haven’t posted lately, let’s just say that the Carey whom you know and love suddenly disappeared on April 20th…but has finally returned!
Yes it’s true. I went AWOL.
Absent without leave?
No…absent without lucidity.
Here are some synonyms for the word absent: astray, away, elsewhere, ghost, gone, hooky, missing, no-show, nobody home, removed, vanished.
Yes…I was all of these too!
As I’m typing this post, I’ve got a smile on my face and am attempting to make light of the situation, but in reality, it’s taken almost two weeks for me to feel anything other than out of whack. You see, I’ve been struggling for six months with a severe hormonal imbalance that has disrupted my normally calm demeanor.
After months of ultrasounds, blood tests and experimental hormone therapy, my family doctor has finally given me a diagnosis. PMDD – Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I won’t go into too much detail, but if you can imagine the worst PMS you’ve ever had and intensify it ten fold – then throw in some abject hopelessness and suicidal thoughts for good measure – you know what I’m talking about.
Unfortunately, my body decided to go haywire over the Easter holiday… just in time for my two daughters to arrive home from college. With PMDD, a person lives life without filters and during this time of craziness, I said and did things that shocked even me. I’m sure that in the days and weeks to come, there will be more apologies to make to the people I love most.
If life had a Delete button, then I’d highlight the last 10 days of April and remove them from existence forever. But wait a minute… I know Someone who has already done that for me. Hebrews 10: 16-17 (New King James Version)
“This is the covenant I will make with them
after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds.” Then he adds:
“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
Can you imagine what life would be like without Jesus and His willingness to forgive and forget our sins? I can’t. I truly don’t know what I would do without Him and His great, great love for me.
When I was burdened and heavy laden, I was reminded to “put on a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” I sang and I cried, but was able to resist the horrible thoughts that assaulted my mind. And when I could no longer see reason, He sent me a loyal friend who spoke words of truth and who helped to carry my load of sadness and pain. Without her love and patience, I don’t know what I would have done. If you are reading this post, let me say this….you truly are a beautiful Jewel who has lived the words of Proverbs 17:17 – A friend loves at all times.
Thank you dear friend!