As I left the office of the ob/gyn and headed down the hall to the lab, it felt like I was dreaming. The lab tech was very gentle and tried to assuage my fears, but all I kept thinking was, ” How could this be happening to me? What am I going to do if the tests come back positive?” The results would be available in a few days…I’d have an answer then. There was nothing to do now, but wait.
It’s strange…the thoughts that go through a person’s mind when they learn that cancer is a possibility and they’re waiting for the results of a blood test and biopsies. The mind has a way of conjuring up scenarios…most of them negative. I wish I could tell you that my thoughts never strayed to the morose, but then I’d be lying. At times, I was plagued with them. How is my family going to cope with this new financial burden? How are they going to bear it, if this family of 5 becomes a family of 4? Will I live long enough to see my children grow up? To see my daughters married? To hold my grandbabies in my arms? I know that many of these thoughts were premature, but I’m just keeping it real. I was afraid…not of dying…but of inflicting pain upon the people who were dearest to my heart. My heart was full of sorrow.
It’s times like these that you run to the Word and look for something…anything that will anchor your soul to the truth. I poured over the pages of my bible, but I didn’t find something…I found Someone instead and He was just waiting for me in the words of Isaiah:
3Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Isaiah 26:3 (KJV)
…in perfect peace – שלום שלום shalom, shalom, “peace, peace, “i.e., peace upon peace – all kinds of prosperity – happiness in this world and in the world to come. Thou wilt keep him in peace; in perfect peace, inward peace, outward peace, peace with God, peace of conscience, peace at all times, in all events. Trust in the Lord for that peace, that portion, which will be forever. Whatever we trust to the world for, it will last only for a moment; but those who trust in God shall not only find in him, but shall receive from him, strength that will carry them to that blessedness which is for ever. Let us then acknowledge him in all our ways, and rely on him in all trials.
…whose mind is stayed on thee; or “fixed” on the love of God, rooted and grounded in that, and firmly persuaded of interest in it, and that nothing can separate from it; on the covenant and promises of God, which are firm and sure; and on the faithfulness and power of God to make them good, and perform them; and on Christ the Son of God, and Savior of men; upon him as a Savior, laying the whole stress of their salvation on him; upon his righteousness, for their justification; upon his blood and sacrifice, for atonement, pardon, and cleansing; on his fullness, for the supply of their wants; on his person, for their acceptance with God; and on his power, for their protection and preservation.
… Trust ye in the Lord for ever,..In the Word of the Lord for ever and ever, that is, at all times, in every state and condition, in times of affliction, temptation, and darkness; for he will support under, and in his own time deliver out of every trouble, and cause all things to work together for good; and trust in him always, for everything, for all temporal blessings, and for all spiritual ones, and for eternal life and happiness; for he has them, has promised them, and will give them.
He gave me a wonderful gift that day…a renewed awareness of who He is. He is the Lord God Almighty. He is my Savior. He is my portion forever. He is my perfect peace…my shalom, shalom. And when I needed it most, He spoke these words deep within my heart and I knew that whatever the outcome of the tests, He would be right beside me and would never leave me nor forsake me. He is the anchor of my soul.
I got the call from the lab just 3 days later with the result of the CA-125 blood test: normal. The results of the biopsy arrived a day later: benign. Normal and benign. Two very simple but beautiful words. Another gift from God. How can I show my thanks to Him for such a wonderful gift? By never again taking for granted, the sacredness of life. To love the life He’s given me and to recognize His presence in each moment, offering up words of gratitude. By learning to live fully…content…peaceful…one day at a time.